The first family was not a dysfunctional family. In the book of origins, Genesis, we read about a good God who delights in the good world he created (Prov. 8:30-31). In this world, the first known human beings lived in sync and attunement with him and each other. Everything functioned perfectly. God made them in his image and likeness (Gen. 1:26). He assigned them to be his representatives on earth for his glory and the flourishing of all people (Gen. 1:27-28).
In his workbook Redemption, David Wilkerson describes it this way. He says, “To be made in the image and likeness of God means you are designed to represent God, to make him known, to reflect his glory like a mirror, to look like him.
God has made every human being in such a way that simply being human could make his presence known. For this reason, you have great dignity; not primarily because of your own goodness, but because you are made of the kind of stuff that is capable of making God’s much greater goodness visible to others.
This is the bedrock upon which the enduring dignity of every person is established—no matter how sinful, impaired, or oppressed, male or female, from the womb, every race, we are all created in his image and likeness.”
Framing the Story of Every Dysfunctional Family
God made a beautiful world for us to enjoy. But then came the unthinkable, the greatest insurrection in human history. Man rebelled against his Creator and put himself at the centre of the universe and the centre of the story, defining what is good and evil for himself. Our experience of family is in the context of a world rebelling against God (Rom. 3:10-12).
The apostle Paul describes the consequences this way. He says, “For although they knew God, they did not honour him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things” (Rom. 1:21-23).
The harmony and beauty of the first family changed radically. God’s perfect creation began to unravel. Now instead of order and harmony, Genesis immediately depicts a dysfunctional family. It is full of jealousy, selfishness, murder, deception, lying, hiding, fear, guilt, brokenness, and ever-increasing evil (Gen. 4:4-9, 6:11-12).
The Bible describes the ensuing chaos this way: “The Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually” (Gen. 6:5).
Recognising the Futility of Self-Redemption Strategies
The whole biblical narrative is about a dysfunctional family, trying to make sense of life, looking for ways to cover their shame in a constant quest for validation, purpose, and meaning.
Man creates self-reliant efforts and strategies of self-redemption. Instead of God’s original purpose for man to take care of his creation, the reverse happens. We use people to get what we think will give our lives purpose.
Like elephants in a china cabinet, we stomp, belittle, or discard anyone who gets in the way. However, it does not work. It just causes more and more dysfunction, pain, and confusion for all involved.
Man cannot free himself from his own self-focus and self-reliance. A never-ending rat race leads to discouragement, panic, reactivity, and sometimes suicide. Nothing delivers the rest and peace our hearts long for (Ps. 62:1, Eph. 2:8-9).
Receiving the Gift of a Redeemer
The biblical narrative documents man’s failing attempts to redeem himself and then introduces Jesus, God incarnate (Matt. 1:21-23). He came to be our true Redeemer, to do what we cannot do for ourselves (Acts 4:12).
As the deer pants for the water, so my soul pants after success, admiration, peace, safety, beauty, and love. But I look for it in all the wrong places. Until I finally realise that my soul is panting after God himself, the fountain of life, the relationship we lost in the first insurrection.
Through his active pursuit, perfect living, perfect sacrifice, and resurrection, Jesus has made a way for us to find our way back to God. We cannot earn his gift of grace and forgiveness by self-effort or manipulation. He gives it to us freely as a gift. We are entirely dependent on him. As we trust him, we receive real rest. Gradually, we learn what he made us for. In serving his pleasure, we find purpose for our lives (Titus 2:11-14).
Embracing the Gradual Process of Healing
Healing is a Process
As God adopts us into his family, we get a taste of normalcy and experience a love that is everlasting and constant, not fickle but steadfast. He becomes our home, our resting place, our deliverer. He begins to reverse the effects of the fall and the distortions of his image in us that sin caused.
As the apostle Paul says, “But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord” (2 Cor. 3:18).
Forgiveness and adoption into God’s family are instantaneous. But the healing of the hurts and wounds caused by living in a dysfunctional world takes time. It is an ongoing process (Heb. 10:14).
Things to Remember in the Process
With love and humility, let us remember the following things as we engage with people still reeling from the effects of trauma, mental illness, addictions, abandonment, and confusion.
- I am one dysfunctional person walking alongside another dysfunctional person as we both learn to cling to Jesus for clarity and healing.
- Suffering is a global experience that we all have in common: “. . .knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood around the world” (1 Peter 5:9).
- Each human being is embodied in a physical body that has experienced the effects of the fall. Some bodies are weak; others are sick; some are limited or dependent on others.
- We need to differentiate the role of the body and the role of the worshipping heart. What are the pressures put upon a person due to biological weaknesses? We do not live in a vacuum. Our hearts are always interacting with our situation. We are sinners, saints, and sufferers.
- Interpersonal influences can be painful and condition a person to believe a certain way. We need to give people much care and time to process or grieve past hurts and correct false beliefs.
- Society and culture also place great pressure on our worshipping hearts. Knowing the influences and expectations of the surrounding culture is helpful in understanding the challenges one faces in embracing God’s ways of thinking and living.
As image-bearers, we need to be good listeners and remember that “…no matter how sinful, abused, impaired, or oppressed, male or female, from the womb, every race, we are all created in his image and likeness.”
There is Hope in Christ For Every Dysfunctional Family
It is easy to see dysfunction and run the other way. We judge people by their behaviour and do not take the time to hear their stories. We ignore them in their lonely confused world. But there is a narrative behind their emotions and behaviour (Gen. 3:9-10).
We are all worshippers. So the question to ask of anyone is, “What are they worshipping?” Another way to ask the question is, “What do they most desire or fear?” (Luke. 12:34)
Fear and desire are two sides of the same coin. What are they panting for when they work too much, criticise, fight, argue, hover, distance themselves, hide, drink too much, hoard stuff, or watch porn? Is there a controlling fear that drives their behaviour? What do they really want that they are not receiving? How can I be a part of God capturing their hearts so that worshipping him becomes the controlling desire of their hearts? (Ps. 27:4, Matt. 22:37-40).
Even those struggling with mental illness are worshipping something. I remember one of my seminary professors, David Powlison, encouraging us to share and apply the Gospel even to someone suffering from Schizophrenia or Paranoia. Such clients, he said, may live in a different reality than others. But in their inner narrative, they are often lonely, experiencing fear or persecution, and trying to survive (Ps. 13:1-2).
If anyone from any dysfunctional family begins to understand the gospel and sees Jesus as their rock, protector, and friend, they can find comfort and rest in him (Matt. 11:28-30). May we, the body of Christ, grow in reflecting his greater goodness, attention, love, and hope to one another as we wait for the restoration of all things (Rev. 21:4-5).
