I vividly remember a conversation I had with a dear friend, which exposed something raw in my heart. I deeply respect her and met her to ask for feedback on how I handled a particular situation of conflict with an individual. After a long pause of hesitation, she very kindly said, “I think you could have handled that better. Instead of listening or possibly exchanging solutions to the conflict, you had a one-sided dialogue and spoke without receiving any feedback or input from the other.”
On the outside, I smiled. I nodded in agreement, and I also thanked her for the feedback. But on the inside, “Ouch!”
I cringed, and I was disappointed in myself. I also felt the need to defend myself and explain to her all the reasons I was right and she was wrong. But this feedback was more about my discomfort with direct communication. My desire to be liked was greater than my need for an honest conversation.
I walked away from the meeting, unsure how I became “that person.” But the strangest part is that I knew the feedback was accurate. But it stirred something deeper inside me.
Why do we struggle with receiving feedback?
Feedback Challenges Our Identity
At the root of our resistance to give or receive feedback is a crisis of identity. We live in a world that tells us that we must prove ourselves. So naturally, feedback can feel like a verdict. We try to curate ourselves as someone compassionate, insightful, or empathetic. So any criticism threatens to shatter the narrative that we have built.
We often react defensively because someone has pointed out something we did wrong. Their comment touches something deeper within us. Who am I if I am not the version of myself I want to be?
In Genesis 3:8, as a result of sin Adam and Eve hid themselves from the presence of the Lord. Once shame entered the world, it came with the fear of being fully known and truly seen by others. Feedback feels like a spotlight cutting through the fig leaves we use to hide behind.
But the good news of Jesus Christ proclaims that our identity is rooted in the finished work of Christ, not what we do. In Colossians 3:3, Paul says, “For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.”
If our life is truly hidden in Christ, then feedback, even when it stings, cannot threaten who we are in him, since our gracious God fully knows us and truly loves us.
Idolatry Makes it Difficult to Offer Feedback
There have been times I have felt I needed to gently and lovingly confront someone. It could be someone speaking harshly to their spouse or creating division in the church community. But I ignored the situation because I did not want to deal with it. So I did not say anything; not because I did not care, but because I did not want to rock the boat. I did not want the confrontation to affect our relationship. But over time, I learned there is a difference between peacemaking and peacekeeping.
Peacekeeping flows out of fear. But peacemaking flows out of speaking truth in love. As Galatians 6:1 says, “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness.”
Do not ignore, do not withdraw, do not gossip. Instead, aim to restore—gently, watchfully, and lovingly.
The power of God gives us the courage to speak the truth in love. It motivates us to build each other up in Christ, not prove we are right. If Jesus embraced the cross to restore us, we can embrace an awkward conversation to love someone well.
We Forget We’re Still in Process
One reason feedback stings is that we expect ourselves to be further along. We subtly believe we should have matured past that flaw, learned that lesson already, or grown out of that insecurity. Feedback reintroduces us to our humanity. And sometimes we hate recognising God is still sanctifying us, just as he promised us. In this process, he often uses the people around us as part of his work in us.
As the apostle Paul writes, “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ” (Phil. 1:6). Not us; not our perfectionism; nor our image management. He began the work and he will complete it.
So when someone lovingly points out something we cannot see, or gives us a mirror we did not ask for, God is inviting us into the very process he ordained. It is not failure. It is formation.
Now it is important to remember that effective feedback does not happen in a vacuum. We experience it best in the context of trusted relationships—between peers, from a mentor, or through a trusted voice of influence in your life.
There will always be a part of us that resists feedback because there is always a part of us clinging to self-made righteousness. But the more God roots us in the gospel, the more we can receive feedback as a gift. We will recognise it as a tool, a mirror, or a scalpel in the hands of a loving Father.
So ask yourself this: What would change if you truly believed you are hidden with Christ in God? What conversations might you have—to receive and to give feedback? And how might those moments become places where the Holy Spirit does his deep, refining work in you?
It is difficult receiving feedback, not because it is bad, but because we forget how secure God has made us in Christ Jesus. When we remember that, we are free to grow in grace.
