I love my wife and daughters. Of all the things for which I am grateful, the closest to my heart is my family. But I never imagined myself as a father to young children at the age of 44. Most of my friends my age have kids who are either teenagers or graduating from school.
Your body ages rapidly in two ‘bursts,’ at 44 and 60, according to National Geographic. I certainly feel the effects of ageing while trying to keep up with the relentless energy of a toddler and the fantastical mind of a 6 year old.
My wife and I are tired and thrilled at the same time. Parenting is heart-warming and body-breaking. It tests your patience, exposes your weaknesses, spotlights your flaws, and punishes your mistakes. Equally, it builds character, produces steadfastness, satisfies your heart, and thrills your affections. It is like weaving your way through a mountain trail, with beautiful views and dangerous passageways.
We Are Not Good Enough
Children are a sacred trust. God calls parents and caregivers to treasure, train, and provide for their needs, without exasperating them (Ps. 127:3-4, Eph. 6:4, Prov. 22:6, 1 Tim. 5:8, Col. 3:21).
One of the most formative books I read on parenting is The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups by Leonard Sax. In the book, he makes the point that parents have the responsibility to inculcate self-control in their children. Not accidentally, self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.
Yet, so many people feel like they are failing as parents because of their lack of self-control. Not surprisingly, the most common refrain I hear from parents and resonates with me is this: “I’m just not good enough.”
If you hear a parent or caregiver confide in you this way, the most natural urge will be to reassure them. You may assume they are mistaken, falsely feeling bad for themselves, or giving shame more attention than it deserves.
At this point, it may be tempting to point to all the things they are doing well, to lead them to the right belief that they are in fact, good enough. As a result, they may actually feel better and return to their parenting lives, only for the cycle of shame to repeat itself.
When we falter as parents, we do not need reassurance that we are actually better than we think of ourselves. There may be truth in it, but its truth is not good enough.
It simply reinforces the false assumption that you must be a good parent to be worthy of love and affection. It teaches us to believe that if our labour is not worthy of appreciation, then we are not worthy of love.
It’s an insidious and pervasive lie, as upsetting as finding a strand of hair after indulging in an expensive meal.
Only God is Good
“Good teacher. What must I do to inherit eternal life?” (Luke 18:18)
Do you remember this question from the rich young ruler to Jesus? It conceals the same insidious lie that makes every faltering parent feel like a failure. It assumes we must and we can do something to inherit God’s favour.
Jesus defies the question by declaring, “No one is good except God alone” (Luke 18:19).
The good enough news for parents is that God has given them the right to become his children—born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God (John 1:12-13).
We do not receive God’s love when we are good. We received God’s love because he is good (Eph. 1:4-6).
Good Enough is Good Enough
The love of God feels most powerful when my parenting is at its weakest.
It leads me to feel appropriately ashamed without letting shame have the last word. Then it exposes my insidious desire to use parenting to validate myself. In all this, God is moving my heart closer to his kindness that draws me in to receive mercy. It empowers me to seek forgiveness from my wife or children, and repair the rupture through repentance.
When we falter in our parenting, my wife and I take comfort in God’s unfailing love. He is sovereign over our children’s hearts, forgives our sins, redeems our mistakes, restores our souls, and supplies what is lacking in us.
In every experience of rupture and repair, he is teaching us and our children that he can repair and redeem any rupture. His grace is sufficient for us and his power is made perfect in our weakness.
Donald Winnicott, a psychoanalyst, once said that children do not need “perfect parents.” They need “good enough” parents.
When parents feel they are perfectly loved by a perfectly loving Father—even when they are not perfect—they can become good enough parents, and that is good enough.
