After five years of marriage and a busy corporate life, we decided it was time to start a family. Conceiving quickly, we shared our joy with friends and family. However, the joy was short-lived. We experienced our first miscarriage in 2010. I (Joy) immersed myself in work while Janice struggled longer, enduring the physical and emotional pain of the D&C procedure. Well-meaning advice from friends and family included comments like, “You’re young; try again soon,” and “Don’t stress too much during the first trimester.”
Six months later, we conceived again. This time, we safely crossed the first trimester. Our hope blossomed into dreams, and we began preparing for the baby. However, in the 30th week, we faced devastating news. After a month of anxiety, Janice prematurely delivered our firstborn, Jiselle. She lived for only four days. It broke our hearts to bury our firstborn.
In response, our church community covered us in their love and care. From arrangements for the funeral to home-cooked meals to regular visits for prayer, they faithfully supported us.
Struggling with Grief and Isolation
As time went by, I (Joy) tried to grieve by occupying myself with work. I hoped that distracting myself with things to do would minimise the pain. It was all too much to deal with. I did not have any tools, training, or knowledge on how to process my emotions. Not only was I unable to grieve well, I was not able to help Janice in the process either. I simply felt powerless and helpless.
It broke our hearts to bury our firstborn.
My (Janice) grief turned into anxiety, and Joy’s late hours at work, and lack of communication filled my mind with negative thoughts. Friends with children began to avoid us, fearing their happiness would add to our sorrow.
Renewed Faith and Hope
We decided not to try again. Worship was difficult. The Word did not immediately soothe the wounds. In the depths of despair, the grace and love of God felt insufficient. Even our love for each other found its limits in consoling one another.
Janice and I (Joy) took our separate journeys to realise that “Indeed, he who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, freely give us all things?” (Rom 8:32).
Worship was difficult. The Word did not immediately soothe the wounds.
If he gave his Son for us, then he knows and desires our best. We had to gather all our knowledge and experience of God and place it against our loss to say, “He is good.” As much as it hurt to lose Jiselle, we believed it would somehow work for good. During that journey, God renewed our faith and restored life in us. He gave us the strength to try again.
A Miracle Baby
We conceived! But knowing our history, the doctors did not give us any hope. Each week without any bad news was a good week. Every trimester was a battle between faith and fear. When we finally held our newborn daughter, healthy and beautiful, we were overjoyed. We named her Isabella Jade, meaning dedicated to God and precious. She was our miracle baby.
Tragedy Strikes Again
Emboldened by God’s miraculous provision, we tried again. After spending a few years in Australia, we were returning to Delhi. The city welcomed us with the news of my (Janice’s) pregnancy. The transition of travel and fear of what may go wrong took its toll on us. After the first two scans relieved our anxiety, I miscarried potential twins in the twelfth week.
An all-too-familiar sorrow gripped us once more. Bella was two. We were still living out of our suitcases. I went through the D&C procedure again. We found it challenging to share this loss with our community, fearing criticism for trying again despite our history. We worried that people might think we were foolish for not being satisfied with one child.
Healing in the Community of Christ
We wish we could say that experience with so much pain gave us victory over it. But the journey we took and the lessons we learned during Jiselle stuck with us. The pain was not any less, but our hope in God was stronger. We returned to the gospel.
Our pain has become our ministry.
God displayed the magnitude of his love on the cross of Christ. We knew that the real and ongoing experience of that love was found in the church. God replaced our shame with confidence in the community of Christ Jesus. We knew that we would find healing in becoming real with our family in Christ. At the same time, we knew people might say things we did not like, but we put our confidence in Christ.
Providence & Perspective
Though our love fell short of healing and fulfilling each other during our deepest pain, it made us depend on God and the gospel of the Lord Jesus to be whole again. Now we can resonate with Job in saying, “My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes see you” (Job 42:5).
God transformed our grief into an instrument of his love and grace for many other grieving couples. Janice has counselled many young and older women facing similar situations.
Ongoing Grief and Ministry
Have we finished grieving? No. When we see Bella as an only child, we still mourn our loss and ask the “what if” questions. Do we know why God allowed it? No. But we trust that he who gave his Son for us wants to provide for all our needs. Our pain has become our ministry. We can comfort others with the comfort we have received. Now we have more reasons to wait for the glorious return of the Lord Jesus Christ.
