Growing up as a pastor’s child, well-meaning friends often reminded me, “Pastors’ children end up as hooligans, so be careful.” Though this was said decades ago, I recall many children of family friends who walked away from what their parents believed. By God’s grace, I was protected and continued in the faith. But how can the love of God encourage and equip parents of children who seem to be walking away from faith in Christ?
Why Children Begin Walking Away
There are plenty of familiar reasons children walk away from faith—tribulation, persecution on account of the Word, the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches and the desires for other things (Mark 4:17, 19).
Furthermore, with fast-paced cultural and generational changes, it is increasingly common for children of Christian ministry workers, and even Christian parents, to walk into the world and walk away from their parents’ beliefs. Terms like faith or spiritual deconstruction, deconversion, and religious trauma syndrome are now frequently used to describe this phenomenon.
Neither Guilt or Blame
The first response of parents is almost always guilt or blame. Parents may ask: Who is to blame for this? It is common to ask questions like, Did I mess up my life? Did I fail in parenting? Were there things I should have done to prevent this? Alternatively, they might blame the child for rejecting all they hold dear after having given so much to them.
Introspection is good and necessary, but it should not lead to morbid self-flagellation or unconfessed guilt. At best, such reflection should lead to repentance before God and trust in his power to rescue and redeem. This could open opportunities for honest conversations with children and seeking forgiveness from them, if God reveals areas where you fell short. However, it is crucial to stop blaming yourself or the child.
When and How to Communicate
The second challenge parents face is discerning when and how to communicate. Should you talk about their walking away from faith, or should you wait and leave it to God?
Discernment is key to knowing when to speak and when to remain silent. Children questioning their faith need space and time to think through their struggles. Words spoken out of season can do more harm than good.
At the same time, a word spoken at the right moment might be precisely what God uses to work in their lives. Parents should prayerfully discern the right opportunity and engage their children with an open heart and mind.
Active Waiting: A Time of Hope
One thing to remember is that waiting is not passive. Henry Nouwen reminds us: “Those who are waiting are waiting very actively. They know that what they are waiting for is growing from the ground on which they are standing. Right here is a secret for us about waiting. If we wait in the conviction that a seed has been planted and that something has already begun, it changes the way we wait.”
So our waiting should be an active anticipation of God’s work.
Trust, Love, and Listen
As parents endure the anxiety of children walking away, they must continue to trust, love, and listen to their children. Remember, preserving the relationship is more important than proving a point. Though they may not join you in faith-related activities, this should not stop you from loving them and walking with them on their journey.
Understanding the Cultural Context
It is essential to understand the present cultural context and the challenges children face. With generational differences now shortening to just five years—down from 20 years a decade ago—parents must educate themselves about the cultural pressures and difficulties confronting their children. This understanding will go a long way in helping you wait with hope.
Parenting On Our Knees
Parents should also recognise that both they and their children are engaged in a battle. There is a battle for their child’s mind and heart, influenced by the context and culture around them.
Parents may battle with their own desire to take control versus surrendering their children to God. These battles are not won with words or persuasion but through prayer.
As one writer aptly put it, “parenting on our knees” is more vital today than ever. Prayer is the weapon for both battles—the battle for the child’s mind and the battle of parental submission to God.
Trusting God in the Waiting
As you go through this season, remember that God understands your pain. He is a God who was rejected by his own. Even today, he is rejected time and again, sometimes even by us. This is the God you can trust, the one who walks with you in your pain and longing.
As you wait in faith and hope, know that God uses these seasons to transform parents as well. He is as concerned with the transformation of parents as he is with that of their children.
See Children as God’s Creation
We will do well to recognise that children are God’s creation and they are his gifts to parents. As Paul reminds us, he is the one we trust to complete and perfect the work he started in their lives (Phil. 1:6, Heb. 12:2). As we prayerfully anticipate a turnaround, God invites us to trust in his sovereignty and find rest in him (John 15:4-5).
