Humans change. In fact, we keep changing all our lives.
One of my biggest shortcomings in loving and leading people well is that I keep forgetting this most basic reality of human existence, redeemed or otherwise.
So often I have found myself engaging with some past impression of an individual that is entrenched in my heart, not with their present self.
This can cut both ways.
If my past impression was a favourable one, I tend to see him favourably in the present, even though his character may have changed. Conversely, if my past impression was not good, I tend to see him presently in the past negative light, even though he may be a better person now.
This is more true of people we live and work with closely. This is because a lot of human change—for better of for worse—is slow.
It is generally so slow that if you are seeing that person frequently, the change may be almost imperceptible.
This is perhaps why parents can be so demanding of their children, often even crushing them. This is also why spouses in a difficult marriage can be so unforgiving.
I do my best to remember that people change. I try my best to see such change and to adapt to it in my engagement with them. But this is not easy.
It is as if my subconscious self prefers to hold on to my past assessment of them, rather than objectively see them for who they are now.
I have come to realise that this is not mere forgetfulness. This is sinfulness.
The underlying sin here is my deep, almost subconscious desire to control people and to shape them to be what I want them to be. I want people to be what I have branded them to be.
I am inclined to almost subconsciously ‘categorise’ people, “He is kind. She is empathetic. He is selfish. She is a bore.” And so on.
Once I categorise someone, it is as if I imprison them in that basket for the rest of my life.
I do not think I am an exception in how slow I am to see people change. I would imagine that most of us are like this to some degree or the other. This is part of our fallen, fleshly nature that still lingers in all of us.
The art of seeing people change is therefore a grace we need to receive from God.
The Power to Make or Break
I remember suffering from such judgement myself in my school days. Some teachers branded me as naughty, troublesome, or slow to learn. I could never get them to change that impression, however hard I tried.
As an adult, I have seen this play out at the workplace, and even in churches and ministry settings.
For someone trying to change for the better, nothing is more discouraging than seeing their loved ones refuse to acknowledge the transformation.
To some extent, we all lack the lens of gospel hope, through which our Saviour sees all of us.
The Apostle Paul understood this. “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ,” he wrote (Phil. 1:6).
In other words, he anticipated believers to change for the better. Therefore, he was able to catch them doing the right thing and applaud them for it.
Such affirmation can be catalytic in helping people be transformed even more in Christ.
In his second epistle to the Thessalonians, Paul sees believers grow in their faithfulness in hardship and affirms them for it. He says, “Therefore we ourselves boast about you in the churches of God for your steadfastness and faith in all your persecutions and in the afflictions that you are enduring” (2 Thess. 1:4).
This is perhaps also why Paul was able to persevere with difficult believers.
Though he does not hesitate to lovingly rebuke them when needed, he is also quick to see and celebrate it when they change. You can see both of this play out in his first and second letter to the Corinthians (1 Cor. 5, 2 Cor. 2:5-11).
When we learn the art of seeing people change, we can become a blessing to others.
As people change for the better, if we recognise and celebrate such change it can help people grow further in God’s grace.
When people change for the worse, seeing such change with a tender, pastoral heart can help us speak the truth in love.
Both ways, we get to partner in the good work Christ began and is continuing in them.
How to See People Change
I am learning that a few simple things can help us grow in the art of seeing people change.
See people
Really see them. I try not to see them in my busyness. Or to see them through my needs or through my context. I try to see them independent of myself.
Listen to them
People are always telling us things that we fail to hear. Don’t listen only to what you want to hear. Listen to what they have to say.
Study your prayers for them
If you are praying for someone close to you, take a moment to consider how your prayers are being restricted by your own feelings for them. How are you not praying for them what God’s grace has already offered to them?
See the one who makes people change
See Jesus, our saviour. When our eyes are fixed on him, our hearts become soaked in the good news, and we come to see God is transforming others just as he is transforming us.
Go on now. Think of the people closest to you. How have they changed?
