Friendships can be amazing and life-giving, which help you bear the hard things of life. But friendships can be difficult too. Some can leave us wondering if it was worth it to pursue them at all. Others you thought would last a lifetime simply end abruptly. While we may have enjoyed some, others have wounded us and left us scarred. It can make us take a more guarded posture in the future so we do not get hurt again.
Yet our longing for friendship is real.
A recent WHO study states that loneliness affects one in six people worldwide, and social disconnection is spread across all regions and all age groups. We long to belong but find ourselves as witnesses on the margins of other people’s friendships.
The Place of Friendship
In our culture, friendships are often underrated. It’s romantic love or family love, which feels like the ultimate expression of love. So people tend to hold friendships loosely. They become disposable at the first misunderstanding or difference of opinion. We can be quick to cancel and cut off ties, since it was not important to begin with.
While we must be wise in whom to trust, Jesus shows us friendship that goes against any cultural notions of it. What he shows us is not built on comfort, convenience, and compatibility—like our ideas of friendship.
In John 15, Jesus commands the disciples to love one another as he has loved them. Whatever baggage we carry, we have an opportunity to unlearn, learn, and grow in the kind of gospel-centered friendships Jesus wants for us.
Being Sacrificial in Friendship
At the heart of gospel-centred friendships is reflecting the love of Christ—laying down your life (John 15:13). It is what he literally did for us. While we may not literally have to give our lives for someone, God calls us to display sacrificial love to one another.
Every friendship infringes on things we sometimes want to protect—our time, energy, feelings, money, even our reputation. Our approach to friendships is not what we can get out of them. It’s what we can offer to one another. It means expanding our horizons to include and invest in relationships with people who are nothing like us and possibly very different from us.
Building such gospel-centred friendships means moving towards one another with intention and initiative, even at the cost of rejection. Being sacrificial means battling the inconveniences of the city, like traffic or busy schedules. It means showing up when we would rather binge-watch shows or take a nap.
I confess I am often waiting for a text that starts with “So sorry, but I have to cancel. . . .” But however I may feel before, I always feel refreshed after spending time with a friend. It is life-giving when someone listens, speaks the truth, and points me to Jesus.
Friendships also require emotional sacrifices. We witness the messiness of life, the battles our friends are facing—their losses, griefs, and struggles. It calls us to be present and walk alongside them in their darkest times.
Being Seen in Friendship
Jesus calls his disciples his friends (John 14:15). He made known to them everything he heard from his Father. In his incarnation and his being with them, he is completely vulnerable with his disciples throughout his life.
When facing the agony of the cross, he tells his disciples, “My soul is sorrowful to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me” (Matt. 26:38). Just when they begin to grasp his identity, he tells them he is going to suffer and be killed.
Vulnerability creates deep connection. But it also exposes us to the risk of rejection, betrayal, or worse. It invites us to reveal the parts of ourselves we do not want anyone to see.
In his book Telling Secrets, Frederick Buechner writes, “What we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else. It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are. . .because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets, too, because it makes it easier. . .for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own.”
People long to be seen, heard, and understood. The best way forward is to invite people to share their stories. We ask questions that allow them to share, process, and reveal themselves; and we give them the gift of a listening ear. We listen with grace and point them to the hope of the gospel.
Being Secure in Friendship
In close relationships, all our insecurities and idolatries clash with those of others. Friendships can bring out the worst in us, not the best in us. Equally, we can find ourselves at the receiving end of the worst of their nature—jealousy, bitterness, anger, malice, gossip, betrayal, harsh words, or sarcasm.
A friendship can even turn into an idol, something that brings out unhealthy co-dependence. We become insecure, possessive, controlling, or overly protective.
How can we enjoy friendships with resilience to overcome adversity and security to overcome conflict?
In John 15:16, Jesus says to his disciples, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide.”
Our confidence and security do not come from how many friends we have or whom we can call friends. It comes from the fact that Jesus has chosen us and called us his friends.
He did not choose us because of anything we brought to the table, but out of the riches of his mercy and grace. So when we face rejection, feel excluded, or betrayed, we can turn to him knowing he will never turn away from us, no matter what. There is no better friend than Jesus, and our friendship with him empowers us to move towards others, even at the risk of hurt and rejection.
May we enjoy many gospel-centered friendships, where we are sacrificial, truly seen, and free to be faithful and forgiving. And may we joyfully point one another to our true and better friend, Jesus Christ.
