About two decades ago, as I waited on God for a husband and the gift of marriage, I wrote a rather awkward prayer in my journal: “Father God, would you be my ‘cake’ so that my future spouse is just the ‘icing’ on the cake?” That, of course, would not be the most biblically accurate prayer that one can say. But, by the grace of God, I had rather expressed a truth: only God can satisfy us. Only he can be the metaphorical “cake.” No spouse—as close to perfect as they may be—can take the place of God. Sure, God can bless you with a godly, kind, loving spouse, but at best, they can only be the “icing.”
When you attempt to turn your husband or your wife into a demigod, expecting him or her to fulfil you and be your source of happiness and security, the likelihood of disappointment and disillusionment is high.
Yet, in the nineteen years I have been a wife, I have often forgotten this prayer and piled expectations on my husband. As wonderful as my husband is, he has not been able to deliver on most of those sky-high demands. But as I look back on our years together, I am glad that my husband has fallen short of my “standards.” Without a doubt, I have fallen short of his. God never created us to deliver on unbiblical expectations from each other. He made us to receive our identity, significance, security, and satisfaction from Christ alone.
Marriage is Many Things, But it is Not Easy
Marriage is many things—but the unanimous, universal conclusion is that it is not easy. A marriage between two Christians is no exception. It is the union of two flawed people. But our redemptive hope is in a faithful God who holds those two flawed people together.
God meant Christian marriage to be more than legal cohabitation.
India has one of the lowest divorce rates in the world. But that does not mean marriages here are thriving. There are likely a host of factors, from economics to social stigma, that contribute to husbands and wives staying together rather than seeking a divorce or separation.
But God meant Christian marriage to be more than legal cohabitation. He created marriage to reflect how Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph. 5:25, 32-33). How can the gospel nourish our marriages so that they display God’s covenantal love for us? Here are some principles that can help our marriages thrive and not just survive.
Marriage is About “We,” Not “Me”
In our culture today, relationships are often transactional. The silent question in our minds is, “How can this person help me? What can he or she do for me?” We bring that same mindset into marriage. We have bought into the belief that marriage is about personal fulfilment.
I have heard my friends give this advice to others: “If you’re not happy, you should leave.” However, a Christian marriage is created to embody selfless love, just as Christ poured himself out as a sacrifice (Isaiah 53:12). In a biblical marriage, God calls us to prioritise “we” over “me.”
Marriage is a Marathon, Not a Sprint
The apostle Paul begins the familiar “love” passage in 1 Corinthians with the words, “Love is patient.” I do not know if he starts his description with patience in order to emphasise it, but patience in marriage is vital for a healthy relationship.
In a biblical marriage, God calls us to prioritise we over me.
While it is patience in the everyday things that can get on your nerves, it is also a resilient patience to wait out seasons when your marriage is exceptionally hard. Christian marriage is for the long haul. Jesus demonstrates that kind of patient, long-suffering love for us.
Scripture says: The Lord is not slow about his promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. (2 Pet. 3:8-9, Rom. 2:4).
Our consumerist, fast food, use-and-throw culture advocates for us to discard broken things and move on. But the gospel preaches a message of patient love which waits for sinners to accept Christ’s invitation of Lordship. May our marriages reflect this patient love as we grow in the fruit of the Spirit.
Marriage is a Covenant, Not Just a Contract
While the paperwork that validates marriage is important, Christian marriage is much more than a contract. Marriage is God’s idea; and the One who designed it defines it as a sacred covenant—deeply intimate and legally binding at the same time.
Christian marriage is for the long haul.
Genesis 2:24 says: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Just as God created an everlasting covenant with his people, marriage is a solemn and binding covenant between a man and a woman made before God (Eph. 5:32).
Over the years, “progressive” voices in culture have devalued the beauty of marriage. Young Christians have grown up in “traditional” families that talk of Christ but show little Christlike love to each other. All this and more has led Christians to take a casual or suspicious view of marriage.
May we ask God to heal the wounds of our past and redeem our view of marriage so we see it as a covenant, not merely a contract, that reflects Christ’s eternal love for the church.
Marriage is Counter-Cultural, Not Conformist
The go-to passage that defines the roles of husbands and wives is Ephesians 5:22-24: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Ultimately, God requires husband and wife to submit to him.
To our modern sensibilities, this passage can be difficult to digest. People have misused it to justify abuse and promote patriarchy. Without a doubt, God created both men and women in his image and he created them equal. It is often our interpretation of headship and submission that raises issues.
In a gospel-shaped marriage, a husband’s headship requires that he love his wife enough to lay his life down for her as Christ did for the church. God calls wives to respond to that radical Christ-like love with submission. (1 Pet. 2:13, 22-25, 5:5, Eph. 5:21). Ultimately, God requires husband and wife to submit to him.
As Rebecca McLaughlin points out in her article, “Viewed closely, Ephesians 5 is a withering critique of common conceptions of ‘traditional’ gender roles that have often amounted to privileging men and patronising women. In the drama of marriage, the wife’s needs come first, and the husband’s drive to prioritise himself is cut down with the brutal axe of the gospel. This is no return to Victorian values. Rather, it is a call to pay attention to the character of Christ.”
These self-giving postures of sacrifice and submission are impossible apart from the Spirit’s enabling. Once again, it points to our need to depend on God who can redeem our self-interest and rescue us from our pride so our marriages can be nourished with the self-giving love of Christ.
