Forgiveness and reconciliation are simple, beautiful words. They should define all our relationships. But hearing these words alone can create intense emotional turmoil within us. We face the reality of past hurts, pain, and grief. It reminds us of conflicts that led to words and actions which cannot be reversed. Broken friendships, misunderstandings, embarrassment, injustice, gossip, and jealousy—the list of haunting things is endless.
What does forgiveness and reconciliation look like when all this is real?
The Dilemma of Forgiveness
As Christians, we are well aware of Jesus’s command to forgive (Matt. 6:14-15). That makes the “dilemma of forgiveness” so complex. Shame and guilt set in as we see our own powerlessness to obey his instructions.
In India, often we do not understand biblical forgiveness. So marriages drift apart, parents and children stop talking to each other, friendships end, and people leave churches.
Forgiveness raises so many questions. What if the other person never apologises? What if they say they are sorry but keep hurting us again and again? Moreover, what about cases of abuse or crime?
In all our confusion, God still expects us to be forgiving people. So, in his grace, he also equips us and empowers us to obey him. Through the sacrifice and death of Christ, he has forgiven us all our sins. Christ is our Saviour and his Spirit continues to transform us to become like him.
To apply this gospel and overcome our confusion, it is important to understand and appreciate three crucial terms: forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration.
Forgiveness
When two people are in conflict, forgiveness is what we offer the other person as a gift of grace. In forgiveness, one person absorbs the hurt and pain caused by the offender. They release them from their offence by not holding it against them. It is never easy and yet it is the way of Jesus.
Biblical forgiveness is an act of grace, not earned by the offender’s remorse or response. This is between you and God. It is where you decide to prayerfully, in faith, obey God by letting him take your pain so you do not have to demand payment from the offender. You come before God, lay your hurt in his presence, repent of your sinfulness, and choose to forgive the other. It is volitional and voluntary.
Forgiveness is independent of the other person, though sometimes you may need to express it to the other person.
We are able to do this when we know that Christ offered complete forgiveness to us for our offences against him. We can freely forgive because, in Christ, God freely forgave us. This gospel-shaped perspective is central to offering forgiveness.
Forgiveness is independent of the other person
But what if you are unable to forgive? What if you are unable to forget? In his book Forgive: Why should I and How can I?, Tim Keller says, “Forgiveness is granted (often a good while) before it is felt—not felt before it is granted. Forgiveness does not mean you will forget. But the sting of pain and hurt is a reminder that forgiveness is a process and may need to be offered to the other again and again in our hearts.”
God wants us to forgive people. But what if the offence happens again? Forgiving someone does not mean you let the other person take advantage of you. Nor does it mean God does not require them to take responsibility for their actions.
Forgiveness involves confronting sin lovingly and holding people accountable. This becomes clearer when you understand the next term, reconciliation.
Reconciliation
Biblical reconciliation can only happen when we understand that forgiveness is volitional and voluntary. Such reconciliation cannot happen without truly forgiving someone. But there are times when it is neither possible nor practical.
In India, because of ingrained cultural practices, sometimes the offender does not verbally apologise or take steps to reconcile. Yet, the onus of forgiveness is squarely placed on the one aggrieved.
In such cases people live in guilt, assuming their forgiveness is incomplete because they are unable to reconcile. But forgiveness is independent of reconciliation. In the absence of any remorse or genuine repentance, forgiveness is possible but reconciliation may not.
Too many people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation.
Forgiveness is independent of the other person. But reconciliation is heavily dependent on the response of the other. Just as we need two hands to clap, we need two parties moving toward one another—in repentance, grace, and humility—for reconciliation.
Too many people confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. This is particularly difficult when the wrongdoer is unwilling to reconcile, or it is unwise to reconcile for legitimate reasons. Does this mean that our forgiveness is incomplete? Does it mean we are failing to be Christ-like? No.
Sometimes, a person sins repeatedly, lacks repentance, and demands reconciliation. In such cases, reconciliation may not be possible. Sometimes, it may be too soon to reconcile. Other times, you need to patiently rebuild trust and connection.
When the situation involves abuse or a crime, you can forgive the other person. But it would be unwise to reconcile with an unrepentant person. This may give the wrongdoer undue access and authority in your life.
While forgiveness is a gift, reconciliation is the fruit of forgiveness. In his book, The Peacemaker, Ken Sande says “True reconciliation is grounded in love and humility, not in mere agreement.”
Our forgiveness should move us toward the offender with a desire to reconcile. But reconciliation needs both parties to walk in step with the Spirit, towards restoration.
Restoration
Restoration flows out of forgiveness and reconciliation. If forgiveness is a gift and reconciliation is the fruit, then restoration is a picture of complete health.
Sometimes people may forgive and reconcile, but their relationship is not restored. Imagine a marriage where one spouse is unfaithful, a friendship where trust is betrayed, or an abusive relationship. In such tragic cases, restoration can be difficult. Sometimes it may be dangerous.
You can forgive and reconcile with someone. But in some cases, you may have to peacefully part ways to prevent the repetition of sin and harm. It can even call for new physical or emotional boundaries.
Forgiveness is costly, reconciliation is necessary, and sometimes restoration is risky. But this should be the longing in all of our hearts—to extend the grace of Jesus that he extended to us.
In Christ, God forgives us, reconciles us to himself, and restores us to the image of God, as sons and daughters. With this in our hearts, even the most hurtful and horrific scenario can be an opportunity to display the power of the gospel and the glory of our Saviour.
