If you find yourself going in non-ending, exhausting circles of discussion, explanation, listening, reflection, repentance, and confession, only to find there is never a resolution, it’s time to think outside the box. Something else may be going on besides a desire for resolution and reconciliation.
One person is trying to resolve a particular issue to regain a healthy emotional connection. But for the other, the particular issue can be like an excuse to have a fight to gain power and control. They both may have different agendas. Recognising this can be helpful; otherwise, it can be confusing. This is exactly what an emotional abuser wants: to leave the victim feeling they must be “crazy.”
What is “Crazy-making” behaviour?
According to Psychology Today, “It is behaviour that is made to sound very logical and practical, but which actually makes no sense and/or serves to give options that only punish the abused. The double-bind is one of the primary ‘crazy’-making behaviours.” It sets one up to lose.
For example, a wife asks her husband which dress he would like her to wear to his work benefit gala. He mentions either the red dress or the black dress. She wears the black dress. But then he gets upset with her because she did not wear the red one.
Here is another example. A wife tells her husband that her love language is acts of service and that she wishes he would be more proactive with housework. Yet whenever he tries to help, she criticises him and pushes him away. So he lets her and walks away.
Then she complains that he is lazy and never helps her around the house. He can’t win. It breeds confusion, self-doubt, and then an effort to please the other even more. It eats away at a person’s sense of worth, and the implications are, “My needs don’t matter, only yours do.”
What is Narcissism?
According to the American Psychiatric Association, at least five criteria from the following symptoms must be observed to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
- Grandiosity: An exaggerated sense of self-importance (expecting to be recognised as superior without any matching achievements or talents).
- Preoccupation with Fantasies: Constant thoughts of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or beauty.
- Belief in Being Special: Feeling they are special and unique. As such, they can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.
- Need for Excessive Admiration: A strong desire or expectation of constant praise.
- Sense of Entitlement: Unreasonable expectations of especially favourable treatment or automatic compliance from others.
- Lack of Empathy: Inability to recognise, care, or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
- Envy: Often envious of others or believe that others are envious of them. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviours, or attitudes.
These symptoms must be present in a variety of contexts and typically begin in early adulthood.
Narcissism is on a spectrum, and all of us, to some degree, show signs of it. So one must distinguish between people who show some symptoms of narcissism versus those whose behaviour and attitudes are so extreme that they would be diagnosed with a personality disorder.
I want to highlight that narcissism is not gender specific. Although I am using the masculine pronoun in this article, I am witnessing it more and more in women also.
The Origins of Narcissism
The term narcissism is derived from the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus. He was an attractive young man, beloved by the nymphs. After spurning several nymphs and not responding to their painful cries, the gods watching punished him by causing him to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water.
Since that reflection was not a person, it was inaccessible to him. Therefore, he experienced what he had done to others, and he died lonely and unfulfilled.
Psychologist Diane Langberg’s explanation is this: “It’s a story of self-love, lack of empathy, leading to a deadness in the self and ultimately death relationally. Of course, the result at the end of the tale is that out of his death came the beautiful and fragrant flower Narcissus. So the takeaway is that beauty only results when there is the death of this excessive and obsessive self-love.”
The name Narcissus is often linked to the Greek root word ‘narc,’ meaning “to make numb.” It’s the origin of the term narcotics. This understanding resonates with my experience with narcissism as a counsellor.
It is about survival.
A Portrait of Narcissism
Imagine a young child, vulnerable, seeking to be seen, loved, and protected. But instead, he experiences the opposite. His world is full of threats with intolerable pain. In order to survive, he builds an invisible shell around himself and splits from his painful reality. Within that shell, he construes an imaginary mirror. It shows him what he chooses to see in order to survive.
Whatever information comes at him, it has to fit into that delusional image in the mirror. It becomes his life raft whenever he finds himself in a crisis. He carries this into his adult life. That is why, when it appears that he is blatantly lying in arguments—which in reality he is—for him it is clinging stubbornly to the delusional image in the mirror. He is rewriting the narrative over and over so he never looks bad, weak, or needy.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is considered to be the most shame-based disorder of all. Every ounce of shame and insecurity is then projected onto those closest and most important to him. The attacks and accusations are actually his own confession about how he sees himself, not the victim.
He needs constant affirmation that he is who he sees in the mirror—special, powerful, impactful. Outside the home, his need for approval and recognition is met through acts of kindness and service. But inside the home, he can be harsh, critical, threatening, and manipulative.
He has a public mask and a private reality. Both behaviours are two sides of the same coin: control. Whenever his heart is exposed, he can play the victim to gain empathy and continue controlling others.
If that does not work, he may play innocent and indifferent, as if nothing had happened, always avoiding taking responsibility for all the damage he has done. These are all idolatrous strategies to keep control in order to feel worthy and acceptable. However, his strategies of redemption will never work.
The Battle with Narcissism
We know the power of God is the answer to our brokenness. Yet in my experience, working with someone with severe narcissism has been discouraging.
Firstly, it is hard for them to reach out for counselling. Their insecurities make it hard to admit they have any problems or recognise their sin. That delusional mirror is so firm. It has played the role of their lifesaver since childhood. It must be terrifying to let go of it.
They hang on to a core belief that everything they do is right. They will put the blame for anything wrong on other people or situations. If they come to counselling, they come for help to fix their spouse or friend. So there is no collaborative, mutual problem-solving. They come to win, not to understand or empathise.
They lack self-awareness or the ability to monitor their behaviour and evaluate it according to God’s Word, and be accountable. Jesus came for the sick, those who have a contrite and lowly spirit—not the healthy and prideful who see no need of rescue.
As the prophet Isaiah says, “For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy; I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite” (Isa. 57:15).
Hope in the Power of God’s Affection
As a counsellor, how I long to help people face the pain and brokenness of their childhood and grieve it all with the Man of Sorrows, who entered into our pain and understands.
We have a God who bleeds and cries. His horrible death on the Cross on our behalf is evidence of how important we are to him. He does not want us to comfort or numb ourselves with false delusions of worth that will never satisfy. The Lord is our Balm, our Comforter, our Healer, our Saviour. He wants us, no matter our past, our sin, and shame.
Christ’s life and death on our behalf frees us from all guilt and shame and makes it possible for the Father to adopt us into his family. We receive a new identity, a new home where he soothes our heartaches and they become the experiences through which we understand Christ’s sufferings and the price he paid to have us as his own.
What depth of love!
Instead of gazing steadfastly at a delusional false mirror to find hope and identity, we can live Coram Deo—under his gaze, our eyes attuned to who he is, what he says, and what he has provided in Christ. His steadfast tenderness and kindness capture our hearts more and more, rather than the cruelty of the past.
In Christ, God’s loving words begin to replace all the criticism and judgments that tempt us to want to hide, numb ourselves, or seek refuge in false lovers.
As the apostle Paul says, “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit” (2 Cor. 3:18).
How Can Someone Cope with Narcissistic Behaviour?
For those who know, live, or work with someone with such characteristics, here are some helpful recommendations.
- Be informed. Educate yourself on the inner dynamics of a narcissist. This will keep you from blaming yourself for everything wrong in the relationship.
- Become an observer. Detach and observe the many strategies they use to manipulate and control. Their attacks will begin to appear silly and lose their power over you. You will be aware that you are living in two different realities.
- Guard your heart against pride. Understanding their brokenness and shame will give you compassion because the damage done to them happened in those primary years of life. Often, they themselves may have had unhealthy parents.
Hurt people hurt people. That is why I encourage my clients to face and process their childhood experiences, grieve their wounds, and heal. That way, they will not pass on to the next generation their unhealed hurts and try to meet their unfulfilled longings through their children or others. It brings self-awareness, God-awareness, and empathy. - Cultivate your relationship with God. Spend time in God’s Word so his thoughts towards you rule your heart when the attacks and false accusations come. It can be very painful. Know who you are as an adopted child of the utmost high God. Learn to cast your sorrows on him and rest in him without any need to justify or defend yourself. After all, God has been observing, and he knows the truth.
- Seek godly counsel. How should you respond to any mistreatment or abuse? Find a wise person to walk with you. Narcissists are skilful manipulators and often hide behind the church and misuse God’s Word. As the apostle Paul said, “But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people” (2 Tim. 3:1-5).
- Adopt healthy, godly guidelines. It is never God’s will to stroke someone’s idols. That is not love. Their idolatry will lead to their downfall and total destruction. It is just a matter of time. When is it appropriate to speak up, say no, and practice bold love? It might be what God will use to shatter the delusional mirror and bring about a desperation for God, which is what their hearts are ultimately longing for, even if they do not know it.
- Pray fervently for the Holy Spirit’s intervention. Humanly speaking, all studies indicate that it is impossible for someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to change. Yet God reminds us, “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:4-5). Therein lies our hope.
