The moment we begin to talk about forgiveness, questions arise. How can you forgive someone who has hurt you so badly? How can you forgive someone who does not apologise? Will I not be enabling unhealthy behaviour if I keep forgiving? How many times should I forgive?
Some of us struggle to forgive those who have caused deep wounds and hurt us. Over time, this unforgiveness turns into bitterness. It ruins our peace, robs our joy, and slowly brings decay and even death into our relationships.
And still, we know that for a Christian, forgiveness is not optional. Jesus not only taught about forgiveness but models it for us. On the cross, Jesus forgave even those who betrayed him and crucified him. Jesus’s standard for forgiving others feels daunting, even impossible.
But forgiveness is not a peripheral teaching. It is central to the Christian life. It is a visible fruit of the gospel. A life that truly abides in Jesus will be a life that actively forgives others.
In Matthew 18:21–35, Jesus gives us a master class on forgiveness. Through the parable of a king who cancels an enormous debt, Jesus not only tells us why we must forgive, but also how.
At the center of the parable is this verse: “The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt, and let him go” (Matthew 18:27, NIV). In this one verse, we find the pattern of true forgiveness.
Forgiveness Begins with Compassion
The servant owed the king an enormous amount of money, far beyond what he could ever repay. When he begged for mercy, the king forgave him. But notice what happens first: the king “felt compassion” (Matt. 18:27, NASB).
Without compassion, we default to superiority and self-righteousness. We think I did everything right. They are wrong. How could they do this to me?
Having compassion does not mean ignoring someone’s fault. It does not mean pretending that the wrong did not happen. It means recognising something deeper: I am not better. I, too, am capable of wrong. I have also sinned.
We always have an excuse when we sin. But when others sin against us, we see them through the lens of judgment (Matt. 7:3).
How then could Jesus forgive those who betrayed him, mocked him, and nailed him to a cross? He had compassion. He saw their blindness and brokenness (Luke 23:34).
Compassion levels us. It humbles us. It reminds us that we are dealing with fellow sinners in need of grace.
If you are struggling to forgive, this is where you must begin. Ask God to soften your heart. Ask him to help you see the other person not just as an offender, but as someone broken, just like you.
To forgive even the worst offender, you must find it in your heart to have compassion (Eph. 4:32).
Forgiveness Cancels the Debt
The servant owed an impossible amount. But the king did not minimise the debt and pretend it was small. Instead, he cancelled it.
Forgiveness does not deny the reality of the wrong. It does not say, “It’s okay.” Instead, it says, “It is not okay, but I am choosing to absorb it.”
This is where many of us struggle. We think, What’s the point of forgiveness? I won’t get back what I lost—time, trust, relationship. And that is true, we will not get back what we lost.
We tend to respond to the loss by trying to make the other person pay.
And we often do this in subtle ways. We withdraw. We gossip. We keep bringing up the offense. We give them the silent treatment, or we keep emotional distance. These are all ways of punishing the person who hurt us.
But Jesus offers a better way. He calls us to forgive by cancelling the debt. Forgiveness means you pay the debt instead of making the other person pay.
And this is costly.
It looks like choosing kindness when we feel anger, self-control instead of gossip, and gentleness instead of harshness. It is choosing prayer instead of replaying the offence in your mind and to keep the door of reconciliation open instead of shutting it completely.
We wait patiently, remain kind, and stay hopeful.
At the heart of forgiveness is this decision: “You will never be able to repay what you owe me. So I will cancel it.”
That does not mean the hurt disappears. It means we choose not to collect on the debt.
We absorb the pain and bear the cost. That is forgiveness.
Forgiveness Means Letting Go
Forgiveness is not complete until we release the person.
This does not mean pretending nothing happened. It does not mean automatic reconciliation or restoration of trust. It does not mean enabling future unhealthy behaviour.
But it does mean we release our right to vengeance.
Forgiveness is ultimately between us and God. It is not dependent on how sorry the other person is or what they will do in the future.
If the person repents, reconciliation becomes possible. If they change, restoration can follow. But even if they do not, we are still called to forgive and to entrust justice to God (1 Pet. 2:23).
We often push back, saying things like:
- “They don’t deserve it.” But neither do we deserve God’s forgiveness (Ps. 103:10).
- “What about justice?” Seeking justice without forgiveness easily turns into vengeance (Rom. 12:19). True justice can exist alongside a forgiving heart.
- “What about abusive or toxic behaviour?” Forgiveness does not mean staying in harmful situations (Rom. 12:18). It includes wisdom, boundaries, and accountability.
- “I’m not ready.” Forgiveness is an act of obedience (Col. 3:13). Do not wait for the feeling. Let truth lead your heart.
- “What if I cannot forget?” When the memory returns, forgive again, and again. Refuse to let bitterness take root (Heb. 12:15).
Forgiveness is not a one-time emotional moment. It is a repeated choice. Often, it is a lifelong process.
The Power to Forgive
If we are honest, this kind of forgiveness feels not only difficult but impossible. And in our own strength, it is impossible.
That is why we need the gospel.
The extent to which we understand how much we have sinned against a holy God shapes our ability to forgive (Ps. 51:4). And yet, in Christ, God had compassion on us (Matt. 9:36). Jesus saw our helplessness, our powerlessness, our rebellion. And he paid for our debt—not partially, but fully (Col. 2:14).
He cancelled it and set us free (Rom. 6:22). This truth gives us the power to forgive others.
Jesus is not only our example but also our Savior, who empowers us (Phil. 4:13). When we begin to see the enormity of what we have been forgiven, no offence against us remains ultimately unforgivable (Col. 3:13).
The desire to make others pay begins to melt when we realise that Jesus has already paid, not only for your sins, but also for the sins committed against us (1 John 2:2).
And so the question becomes, is Jesus’s payment enough? Or do we still insist on making others pay?
When our hearts are gripped by the gospel, real forgiveness becomes possible. The kind of forgiveness that brings us freedom.
